Sometimes I stare at couples talking and laughing in a coffee shop in front of me, and I feel it. A wave of emptiness, a longing, a nostalgic whirlwind of emotions that I don’t quite myself understand.
A longing for something that even I don’t know of.
But when you look at the surface of wanting what other people have, you only see it through your hungry eyes. But your eyes always play tricks on you, they don’t show you the inside.
Suddenly, I’m transferred back in time when I’m sitting across with a guy at a coffee shop, gazing and being blissfully “happy”. We were joking and laughing, it seemed so magical at the time, like everything I had wanted for so long.
Now that I think about it, perhaps there was a girl or boy behind us, who was longing for what “we had”.
What if that person was observing our interaction, and using that to put themselves down?
Using this illusion of us to say, “this is why I’m not worth it, because I don’t have anyone, I wish I had what she has”.
Things are never the way they seem to be. Because if there happened to be a girl or boy watching us from that interaction, I wish I could go back now and whisper to them the reality of the situation. I wish I could hug them, squeeze them, and let them know that they are worth it.The fact that someone isn’t able to see that, says absolutely nothing about their own heart.
As you would imagine, I would also have an earful to say for my younger self. Sitting in that cafe shop, idealizing this person into everything I’ve ever wanted from my entire life-when that person was not what I made them up to be in my head. Why do we choose to see only what we want to see?
And we notice cautious signs that should make us twirl our little boot-aaaay away right that instance and wave THANK U, NEXT, yet we instead somehow convince our brains that our intuition is wrong.
But our intuition always knows what’s up.
Intuition is the brain of our heartbeat when our own body rhythm tunes out the sound of reason.
But as I’m writing about this, I realize maybe it’s not always about anything long-term. I’m the first person to always defend the idea that talking to people, hanging out with them, should always be in the intention to head somewhere longterm. Temporary is almost like a puzzle that I can’t ever quite solve.
But slowly as the grains in the hourglass fall through, I gain a missing puzzle piece ever so often. And I finally realize that some experiences are just for the hell of it.
Of course you can truly only appreciate them after you leave the pain, hurt, and memories on the shoreline. Which begs the question if it’s all worth it. I guess that’s something for you to decide, if it’s a journey worth taking by losing pieces of your sanity in the long-run.
But when I come back to those hazy memories, I try to remember how happy I felt in the moment, without knowing the future avalanche coming (and snowballing hard).
I try to see the two people at the coffee shop just as they are, just two people enjoying the moment.
And the moment takes back its strength because it is just that-a fleeting moment, but one that’s innocent, pure, and enchanting.
And when you look at your past in that respect, it doesn’t feel like wasted time. It feels like a bag that you’ve covered with forgiveness in order to live freely (even if that bag was just a garbage bag, you know what I’m saying?)
Life is stitched with instances that turn into memories all too fast. And I don’t know about you, but so many memories infest my entire being, keep me up at night, and haunt my dreams. So if you brush their dirty surface, and sharpen them to reveal their sparkly shiny side, these memories have the power to be jewels, not just no-good pieces that you dig a grave for and bury underground.
Because guess what, burying doesn’t ever mean alleviating. It just means obsessing over time and time again… because guess what again? It’s still there, buried under the same place you left it.
One of my favourite quotes is ” Don’t ever regret anything, because at one moment, it’s everything you wanted”.
(or something like that, I’m too lazy to look it up word for word. Actually I could’ve found it by the time it took me to explain how lazy I am, but I guess that’s not how I roll).
It doesn’t mean that what we want is always good for us. I think that’s where the magic itself lies in, the fact that we don’t know.
Regret happens when a situation reveals itself and opens our eyes to the clarity we’ve been lacking the entire time. And that’s when that ‘everything we’ve ever wanted’ momentum loses its spark.
But based on simple math, if we never knew that thing that would have the power to break the spell, everything along that snowglobe dreamland would still continue to make us happy.
Is ignorance bliss?
Maybe that’s not an important question to ask, sometimes it’s not in our control.
Maybe we should just enjoy moments for the way the are, and not blame ourselves when things go awry.
That couple you’re lusting after, could have the biggest and baddest break-up in the world’s history. Perhaps tomorrow, next month, next year. We don’t know.
But it’s the moments in between, that will (hopefully?) make everything worthwhile.
So when you look back at your life, instead of being angry and feeling defeated all over again, instead, glow up with pride.
Knowing that out of all the experience this world has to offer, you were chosen to experience that light.
Darkness is only the absence of light, remember?
So, always choose light.